It's racing past me! Before I knew it, I graduated from college, and I missed the experience, wondering if I had fully enjoyed it as I should have, wanted to. Then, I graduated again, from graduate school, in the blink of an eye, feeling much the same way. Could I have done more? Met more people? Socialized with faculty more?
My mother used to say when we were little that I was a new soul and my sister was an old soul. In a weird way that makes sense to me now. Take our different pregnancies. I was content to fully enjoy the experience, savoring each day, as if this was all new to me and I wanted to appreciate each moment. My sister, on the other hand, with her first, and now again with her second pregnancy, is desperate to just get it over with already, as if she has done it a million times and the novelty has definitely worn off. I was happy to wait until my due date, even deliver a little late. I loved being pregnant.
Now, with my daughter, I am having the same experience. My television is almost never on when she is awake, so I can drink up each smile, each tumble, each unintelligible sound. And I find that I even leave it off most times when she is sleeping, so I can savor the few moments I have of peace, storing up my energy to crawl after her as she races down the hall toward the cat, a toy, her uncle, her daddy, an electrical outlet. Before I know it she will be in kindergarten, then middle school, screaming that she hates me and it is so unfair that I won't let her date that college boy who works at the local cafe.
All this to say that I recently received an email from a supervisor where I teach inviting me to apply for a new position my company has created that would allow me to work from home.
A dream come true! Right?
At first, I did think so. I imagined it: never having to leave my daughter, all this extra time with her, my office set up at home, my sister coming in a few days a week to stay with Celaya while I diligently do the busy work that needed my undivided attention. The hourly pay was less, but the hours were more, so I would overall be contributing more financially to my family. All good.
Until I remembered trying to pay that bill yesterday, and my daughter "Gah gah gah gah gah!" demanding my attention. And trying to put her down for a nap in the rocking chair as she writhes and twists for five to ten minutes before falling asleep so I can put her in her crib, then often waking up five minutes later so I can go through the whole process again. And the long walks in the morning we enjoy whenever it is convenient for us. And the several times a week we head off to the several different stores we shop at for our necessities. And my husband coming home from work only to need an hour or two for his homework, if he's not heading off to class.
Right now, I have unlimited amounts of patience for all of it. I gently hum to my daughter when she smacks me in the face before her nap. I just throw her in the front carrier when I absolutely have to get something done. We do it together. She does not stress me out. My crazy life, that would most certainly stress out a full time working (even from home) mother, does not stress me out.
Right now, I can blog. I can read. I can stare out my window. I can allow my daughter as much time as she needs to get through a meal or fall asleep, or crawl around naked before bath time. And when it seems like I'm losing myself in the mundane daily tasks of motherhood and running a household, I get to leave Celaya with people who love and adore her and go off to a fun job a few hours a week to make some good money and take a nice break.
Everything I love most about my life right now I would lose.
So thanks, deceptively appealing job. But no thanks.
No comments:
Post a Comment