Integrity

Once a year, on Memorial Day weekend I go off into the woods, usually near a large body of water, sometimes the ocean, with my husband and a few of our friends and escape.  I spend weeks planning, preparing, shopping, cooking, baking, so that when we arrive, I can do as little as possible and let the boys be boys, grilling, drinking beer, hiking, and all that fun stuff.  I sit and watch and laugh and relax.  Needless to say, I am looking forward to this weekend.

But before I go, I want to say something about integrity.

As I sit here waiting for fresh peanut butter cup cookies to come out of the oven, for my load of whites to finish drying in the dryer downstairs and for the frijoles a la olla to finish simmering, I am kind of watching this movie "Nothing But the Truth".  A female reporter is held in contempt and placed into jail for refusing to reveal her source on a very political, very "national security" story.
As this woman sits in jail, her lawyer has expensive lunches, the judge drinks tea imported from Greece, her son turns 8, her husband has an affair, and the world has forgotten to even care that she is in jail.
I haven't finished the movie yet because the oven timer went off, the dryer buzzed, and my olla needs stirring, but I hit pause right after a quote that I have to share:

"A man leaves his family to go to jail to protect a principal, and they name a holiday after him.  A man leaves his children to go fight in a war, and they erect a monument to him.  A woman does the same thing, and she's a monster.  If we back down what are we saying.... Trust reporters as long as they're not mothers because they'll crack?"

Now, this movie of course comes with the note that it is inspired by true events, but I don't think that point is as important as the one being made above.

It makes me think about all of the things in the world that are so obvious, that everyone knows and acknowledges, yet does nothing about.

Teachers are underpaid and under-appreciated.

Women must live according to a double standard.

Racism still exists.  And thrives.

Corporations control the United States of America.

Integrity is a dying character trait.

When I began watching this movie I understood clearly the message about integrity, about standing up for what you believe in, no matter the consequences.  But until now I hadn't been thinking about the implications of those consequences for women.

Integrity is something that defines a person from moment to moment.  Interestingly enough, it can be lost in an instant and is often not so swiftly recovered.  Every decision we make strengthens or weakens our integrity, and I believe that at some point, one's integrity can become so weak as to break, and when this rupture occurs is when words like "practicality" and "realistic" come into play.  As if to hold on to one's integrity is to be unrealistic, to be idealistic.  I have often heard people say that idealism is for the young, so maybe I am still too young to be realistic.

But I don't think so.

I have been tested, and I have failed.  Miserably.

I have also succeeded, won, prevailed.  It seems to me that the more you practice defending your integrity, at standing up for what you believe in, at doing the right thing, the better you get at it.  Which is not to say that you will never falter, or fail, again, only that you will then know what it takes, what it feels like, to get back.

But all of these things I knew already.

Now I sit in awe at women who do the right thing even when their children's well-being has come into question, when the world has turned on them, when their husbands no longer support them, when other women cannot empathize with them, yet they know with every fiber of their being that they are doing the right thing.

And I vow to have empathy, to listen when their stories are told, to speak up for them, to shout if necessary, when others would close their ears and to tell their stories in turn.  For who are we without empathy?  I am convinced that without empathy we become a world without integrity.

So, on this Memorial Day weekend, here's to believing that one can both be realistic and have ideals.  Here's to fighting for what you believe in and having empathy for others who do the same. 

Here's to integrity.

The Evolution of a Thesis

Constructing a thesis is a grueling job.  Anyone that says different is trying to fool you, or him/herself.

I have been "working" on my thesis for 5 months now and I have not written one complete page.

What I do have is an approved prospectus that I am no longer happy with and an outline that has undergone "construction" several times and is currently undergoing "expansion."

I have entertained the idea that I just simply suck at this.  That I should have gone for the optional "reading list" instead of attempting to tackle an 80-90 page thesis.

But as I sit here with my novels in front of me, with the research piled up in another room, with my desktop crowded with articles on the 3 topics I will (eventually) write about, I realize that this is part of the process. That I am where I should be.

I realize that I chose these novels to talk about because they mean something to me.  That I chose to write a thesis because I have something to say about what they mean to me.  And finally, that I am having so much difficulty committing words to paper because of how important it is to me that I say it right.

This will be the first body of work written by me, left for virtually anyone to read, and it will represent me, who I am and how I think at this point of my life, for the rest of my life.  (That's scary!)

I think I'll take my time

Hello?

This is my first time blogging and I'm suffering from a bit of stage fright.  I suppose I have prepared myself sufficiently by being a facebooker for the last year, which also took some getting used to, but I still find I sit here blankly for a moment or two before being able to punch these little keys.  Carlos, that's my husband for those of you who don't know, thinks I'm bizarre for wanting to post my thoughts, anxieties, and mini-dramas on the internet for any and all to see.  I, on the other hand, have followed a couple of female friends' blogs, and I find their descriptions of their seemingly commonplace situations fresh, funny, and smart.  I only hope mine come across in the same way.  


My current predicament is this:  family reunion.  


'Nuff said?


Well here's the deal:


I have a family reunion coming up that involves my very large extended family of cousins, aunts, aunts' husbands, parents, grandparents, and even a great grandmother who is in her nineties!  The problem is I have just finished up a semester of a very low-paying (practically volunteer) part-time teaching assistantship and will not be working again until, you guessed it, the week of the family reunion.  So, I am out of money, can't afford to take time off (if my summer working schedule would even allow such a thing), the California Franchise Tax Board has conveniently seen fit to "misplace" my tax returns (there goes my refund for who knows how long) and to add insult to injury, the trip happens to land on both my great grandmother's and my little brother's birthdays.  Oh!  And it will be my niece's first trip to Disneyland.  My only niece.  The adorable little 1 year-old toddler seen in my profile pic.  And my brother and sisters are not sweet and understanding about my possible inability to make the trip.


Bottom line, if my money tree doesn't grow in quickly and my teaching job doesn't happen to leave me with that weekend off, I'm totally screwed.